This week over at Sleep is for the weak Josie has given us another 5 great prompts. I’ve chosen number 4, which is about rejection and how you overcame it.
I had been with my boyfriend for only about 6 months, but thanks to a bout of sickness which rendered my pill inactive and what I can only imagine was a split condom, I found myself pregnant. I was scared of what he would say, scared of being a mum at such a young age and scared of what the future held. I kept my “secret” to myself for a few weeks while trying to work out in my own mind what I wanted to do. At the time I thought about aborting my baby, but having been pregnant and losing the baby a few years before, it wasn’t something I could ever imagine doing. I had it in my mind that I could make my boyfriend love me and in turn make him want our baby if I carried on like normal and then broke it to him before I started to show. Silly idea, but I was young and confused and just didn’t know what to do for the best and I didn’t want to be on my own with a baby. But I started bleeding one day and had to tell him I thought I was pregnant and having a miscarriage. By this time I’d been booked in for a scan at the Early Pregnancy Unit at my local hospital for the next day.
His initial reaction was shock, which is no surprise, it was how I’d felt when I first found out. Then he seemed to be ok and said he would support me. It wasn’t until I went to see him after the scan and told him that I was still pregnant but I had miscarried the baby’s twin that his mood changed and the barriers went up. He told me to “get rid of it” and then refused to talk to me. Things went on like this throughout my pregnancy, I still saw him occasionally, sometimes he would ask about the baby and other times he looked straight through me. I sent him scan photos and texts to keep him updated, just because I felt that he had a right to know what was going on, but never received even an acknowledgement. I was crushed, I felt so alone and had no one to share my pregnancy with. My mum was fantastic, yet it wasn’t my mum that I wanted. I wanted to be like all the other mums at the hospital or the antenatal classes, with their loving husband or boyfriend there with them every step of the way, but that wasn’t to be. I had depression throughout my pregnancy, then post natal depression and depression after that. I didn’t find it hard to cope with the baby as such, rather I found it hard to deal with the reality of him not wanting to be with me or the baby and being on my own.
I eventually managed to pull myself out of the depression and although I have had low days over the years, it’s nothing compared to what I went through back then when my daughter was a baby. I’ve grown up, you have to when you have a child no matter how old you are, and realised that I didn’t need him in the first place. He was never the ideal boyfriend anyway and he had proved himself throughout my pregnancy and after the birth to be totally unreliable and selfish, so I made my peace with being on my own. I didn’t need him, never have and I never will. I have a beautiful daughter who amazes me every day and he is missing out on having such a wonderful little girl in his life.
Which brings me on to the rejection she must feel by never having seen her father, or not remembering having seen him. He saw her when she was 8 days old and after that he only ever saw her if I just so happened to be passing him in the street. He has made no effort to contact her over the years, even though it would be very easy for him to do so should he so choose and never sent her a birthday or christmas card. I feel incredibly guilty sometimes for having my daughter knowing full well that her father would not be involved in her life, I hoped he would change his mind back then, but he never did and looking back now I shouldn’t have expected any less. I am the reason she feels rejected by a father she has never known and probably never will know and every time she asks why she has never met her daddy my heart literally aches for her. She has always had a pretend daddy, one that she imagined her father would be like, but yesterday she said to me that she doesn’t need a pretend daddy anymore because she has M and she knows that he loves her and will look after her just like a daddy should. Needless to say I was relieved to hear that as it appears that she is moving on from the rejection she has felt from not having her father in her life for so long, yet I know there may come a day in the future when she decides to look for her real father and I will have to deal with her either being completely disappointed by what she finds or being rejected yet again, but that is of my doing and something I will have to help her through at the time. All I can do is love her and be there for her and hope that she gets past it.