>Writing Workshop – What part of you is lost that you would like to find again?

>This post is for Josie’s Writing Workshop over at Sleep is for the Weak.

It’s not really a part of me that I have lost, more like what I have gained!

I used to look like this:

Now I look like this:

But, at least I no longer look like this:

What I’ve lost since gaining weight is the confidence I had in my self image as the 14/15 year old in that first picture. Yes when I was younger I was bigger than the other girls in my class, even as a size 12, but even when they picked on me for being “fat” I still had an air of confidence about me. I can remember strutting down the road in my heels (not the awful ones I was wearing in that pic for a wedding!), turning heads as I went and feeling on top of the world. I could wear anything and look great. Walk into a shop and know that whatever I picked up in my size would fit me.

Since gaining weight gradually from the age of about 17 and then really piling it on after my daughter was born (note I say after, not during so I don’t even have baby weight to blame as I actually lost weight when I was pregnant and just after!) I have lost that confidence. Yes I have lost 4 and a half stone now and clearly look a lot better than I did last year, but I still have a long way to go. When I first lost the weight my confidence soared, I started being able to wear more fashionable clothes, instead of the shapeless sacks I’d been hiding my bulky frame beneath for the past few years and started to feel good about myself because I could see a noticeable difference in the way I once looked to how I look now. However when I look at myself now although I see a slightly slimmed down version I just don’t look as slimmed down as I did – I know that makes no sense but in my eyes it’s like I’ve gone up in size again although I haven’t and it makes me feel less confident again.

I know what I need to do to turn it around, stop typing a post about losing my confidence because I’m bigger and get off my computer chair and go exercise. It’s just doing it that’s the problem! The diet is going well and I am losing weight again, it just seems like such a long way to go until I get to a weight that I will be “comfortable” with (but lets face it, there’s barely a woman alive who is happy with her body no matter what she weighs!) I just want that confidence back I had all those years ago, instead of avoiding situations where I think that people will judge me because of my weight. Maybe it’s the teenage “don’t care” attitude that I’m missing rather than confidence, but whatever it was that I had back then I want to get it back!


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