>Longing

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It’s no secret that I long for another baby. My daughter is 8 now and I’d love for her to have a baby brother or sister. For years I tried to kid myself that I didn’t want another one, not admitting that I did, even to myself helped to hide the pain of the rejection I felt when my daughters father left me when I was pregnant over 9 years ago. Yes I could cope with another child on my own, I’ve done it once I could do it again, and although it is hard it’s not the potential help I would get from a partner in looking after a child, but someone to share all those milestones with. I had no one to share the first kicks with, the scans, the antenatal appointments, the birth (although my lovely mum was there), first smiles, first laugh, first words, everything. Now that I am in a relationship, albeit an unconventional one with him being in another country for the time being, with someone who means the world to me and who I feel is my Mr Right, I have finally stop suppressing my longing for a child.

Luckily we are both on the same page and I was surprised and pleased when he admitted that he too felt the time was right to try for a baby. However it’s obviously not very easy “trying” for a baby when you live in different countries so although I came off the pill some time ago I’ve only seen him twice since, so lets face it I’ve not exactly got very good odds of becoming pregnant until I move out to Spain to be with him.

My odds are slashed even further because of my problem periods. After having my daughter I went on the injection and stopped having periods (and PMT) all together, which was great at the time. When I decided two years after starting the injections that my body needed a break from all those hormones I expected my body to return to normal, although when I didn’t start to menstruate straight away I wasn’t worried because I’d heard that it often takes 6 months for your periods to return to normal. When the six month mark came along and still no period I approached my GP who told me that in some cases periods don’t start until after a year, so again I waited and…… nothing! Off I went back to the GP and over the next 6 months I had monthly blood tests, all pointing to having nothing wrong with me and was told that I had unexplained infertility, which wasn’t a particularly helpful diagnosis. I was referred to a private hospital for a scan and it actually showed that I was about to ovulate, which was a relief. I had my first period in over 4 years! The relief was short lived, I didn’t have another period for a year. This continued with one, maybe two periods a year until last year when I finally started to have regular periods thanks to doing my own investigations and finding that the mini pill could potentially restart periods. The nurse at my GP’s surgery initially didn’t want to put me on them as I’m overweight but because I’d been steadily losing weight and had dropped 4 stone by then she relented and it worked! At first I had a 28 day cycle and for the last few months it appears to have settled to a 33 day cycle now that I am no longer on the pill, that is until this month. I’m now on day 43 and without any signs of Aunt Flow putting in an appearance!

I have taken a pregnancy test just to be sure, but I didn’t “feel” pregnant anyway so it was no surprise when that was negative but disappointing none the less. I’m just hoping that this is a blip and I will return to normal next month, whatever “normal” is for me anyway! It may well be just a blip, or it may be something to do with my weight stabilising rather than going down again as I’m told that being overweight can stop your periods in some cases, it just seems bizarre that they stop and start of their own accord, but hopefully one day in the not so distant future it will be me posting about my new arrival and begging for help on Twitter when I just can’t get my baby off to sleep.

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