“Your baby is one week old” an email from Babycentre told me. On Saturday this at least raised a smile, now just thinking about it makes me dissolve into floods of tears.
I’m 41 weeks and 3 days pregnant – a whole 10 days over my due date, just like I was with my daughter and this time around I feel like a complete failure. When I went overdue with her, there were lots of midwife appointments, an appointment with a consultant at the hospital to discuss induction and despite dreading being induced I was perfectly fine with it, if it came to it, which luckily it didn’t as 10 days later my daughter decided to put in an appearance. This time around, there have been no midwife appointments, no visits to a consultant, no reassurance of an induction date, it’s not how things work here apparently. Instead I have to take myself to the hospital at over 2 weeks overdue and see what they suggest. Not the most reassuring situations to be in when heavily pregnant with another child to look after, not to mention Christmas literally days away.
I was supposed to have had this baby by now. Yes I know you can’t predict when they are born, but he is supposedly a big baby, has been head down for over 2 months and as a second child it was assumed that he would be early or on time. My daughter becomes more and more upset by me being in hospital for any length of time, especially over Christmas, by the day and I feel terrible that I’m making her worry so much. The thought of actually being away from her on Christmas Day breaks my heart especially as she isn’t going to be surrounded by family, rather at a friends house, which will of course be lovely and is what I will be doing if I’m not in hospital, but it just isn’t the same as being with her. My mum has come and gone, she came to meet her grandson four days after he was due, and of course to see her grandaughter before Christmas and drop off a huge pile of Christmas presents for both of them. Six days later I’ve waved her off, without her having met her grandson, which I know she is disappointed about, it’s not like she lives just round the corner after all. I’ve closed the door and burst into tears. I’ve failed to ensure this baby doesn’t ruin my daughters Christmas and I’ve failed to produce a grandson before my mum went home.
Maybe this baby is feeling the pressure that I am and has decided he isn’t going to arrive until I stop worrying. I’ve been feeling like I should have had him by now, not just for me, but for my partner who’s wasting time off that could be spent with his newborn son but is instead being spent watching my every move, for my daughter who is desperate to meet her brother, scared of me being in hospital, dreading being apart from me and spending her Christmas Day without me and who is quite frankly rather fed up of all the baby talk that’s been going on. Then there’s my mum who came all this way to meet her grandson who isn’t even here, she literally watched my stomach like a kettle that wouldn’t boil, not to mention all the phone calls I keep getting asking if the baby has arrived yet. My daughter’s worrying has led to me worrying too and not only am I not sleeping due to being uncomfortable, I’m also having horrific nightmares involving me or the baby dying which have started creeping into my daydreams too. The later I get the more likely I’ll be induced or need a caesarean which I’m petrified of, not only the operation itself but the recovery period afterwards. I have a child to get to school and a man that has to work, no family around and just imagining needing one makes my head feel like it’s going to explode!
I’ve tried all the suggestions there are to get this baby to hurry up and arrive, I even walked about 5 miles the other day, which I never even did when not pregnant and of course all that resulted in was strong braxton hicks yet again that disappeared – again! I have Braxton Hicks daily, always strong, enough to take my breath away for a minute and I can feel building, just like real contractions. They start at around 7 minutes apart and build until they are every two minutes and lasting for over a minute. Just when I start to think maybe this could be it this time, they disappear leaving me frustrated yet again.
I don’t know what else I can do to get this baby to make an appearance. I’ve tried doing everything and doing nothing. I doubt I’ll even believe it if I do actually go into labour now too and will no doubt end up giving birth on the way to the hospital – it is a 40 minute drive after all! Right now I’m wondering what on earth I was thinking getting pregnant in the first place because of the worry I’m causing my little girl and it’s not how I imagined this pregnancy turning out at all, I’ve loved every minute of it despite all of the aches and pains. Now I’m just thoroughly fed up with it all.